I Was 27

I was 27 when they told me she would die before me.

She would not bury me at 89 or 92 or 99

But I would bury her at 6 or 16 or 19

Would I put her body in the ground

Or let the ashes come home with me

I asked my dad before he died

To make an urn

With yellow inside

For my bright sunshine girl

I was 27 when I learned I would watch her die

When she would take her final breath

I had to accept that my role in keeping her safe

Safe from the tragedies of the world

Was a task I had given myself

An impossible task

To keep her safe from death

When death was what was promised

By the code in her genes

Her genes that made her eyes a stormy blue

Her hair champagne in the sun

Her lips full and pink

Her hands and feet so slender and small

Her genes that denied her the chance

To live to bury me

They say that no parent

Should have to bury their child

But that is to be at war with the way things are

Children bury their parents

Parents bury their children

To die is not the curse

But to die alone and unknown

So I will die every day

To the future I thought I knew

The future I didn’t know to question

When she was placed on my belly

Squirming and new

The future I thought was guaranteed

The future I thought was mine

The future I thought I was entitled to

A normal future

Life with her has never been normal

Life with her has never been average

Or expected

Or guaranteed

As is life with us all

We are not entitled to our next breath

Our next hello

Our next goodbye

Every day

Every breath

Every connection

Every fight

Every love

Every blink

Every caress

Every hug

Every sleep

Every kind word

Every cruel word

Every harsh admonition

Every gentle whisper

Every moment is a gift

Every moment contains life

Even the moments of profound grief

The moments when your heart can hold no more

These moments are sacred

Not to be ignored

Not to be escaped

To be drank

Soaked in

Saturated in

Because in the expansion of grief

The capacity to hold

love

and joy

and pleasure

and passion

are increased

Do not despise the hard moments

Do not despise death

Do not despise depth

They are a gift

Of life.