You Can't Block the Flow
I was on a call with one of my coaching clients, listening to her describe a challenging design project. Her clients hired her to design their project, but not to manage their project with the contractors, but they kept pulling her in with texts about contractor issues, timelines and contractor mistakes.
I asked her why she kept intervening and she said that she wanted them to have a good overall experience because if they didn’t, she felt that would negatively impact their impression of her. So she played interference over and over again on problems that weren’t hers, causing bitterness and frustration toward her clients.
“Why are you trying to block the flow of stress to them?” I asked.
“It’s like you’re standing in the middle of a river, arms out wide, trying with all your might to keep emotions like stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. from getting to them. You’re trying to absorb those emotions and you are wearing yourself out.”
One of the most difficult things to manage as an adult is advocating for yourself even when you know that other people aren’t going to like it. Setting boundaries can be a real challenge. I’ve seen this over and over again with women who say yes when they want to say no. They feel taken advantage of, they are the go-to person for certain tasks or responsibilities because they don’t feel like they can say no. They are the ones who everyone calls when there’s a family emergency, they always host family gatherings, they are the on-call babysitter, event coordinator, school volunteer.
The sneaky part of this all is the bitterness and resentment that creeps in and poisons relationships, contributes to a breakdown of trust, and festers into deep feelings of victimhood.
When I was a kid, my parents had a special code with us. When we asked for permission to do something, whether it was a sleepover or an event, they always told us we could tell our friends that our parents said no, even if they would’ve said yes if we had genuinely wanted to participate. We had a perpetual scapegoat.
At the time I loved having that option, but sometimes I wonder what I could’ve learned as a kid to have uncomfortable conversations and advocate for what I wanted. What if I learned how to tell a friend that I didn’t want to see that movie, play that game, and, when I got a little older, go out with that boy? Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up kissing boys I didn’t really like that much, participating in activities I wasn’t all that interested in, and keeping hard experiences to myself because I didn’t want people I cared about to be hurt or sad.
As an adult, I have had to develop my muscles of introspection and self-respect and learn that what I want is important. It is not easy to prioritize our feelings and goals, and even harder to communicate them to others when it is going to be a big change from how things have gone, maybe for a really long time.
Here’s the kicker: when we say we don’t want others to feel uncomfortable (sad, mad, hurt, frustrated, stressed) it’s because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable because of their discomfort. We don’t want to deal with the fallout of things needing to change if we say what we really want.
Navigating uncomfortable conversations is one of the most underdeveloped and underutilized tools for deeper connection and intimacy. There is a perceived inherent risk in telling people what you actually think, how you actually feel, how you truly want to spend your time and energy, but it is absolutely essential for a satisfying, integrated and honest life.
So, how do we actually have hard conversations?
Choose your environment:
Probably not the best time to broach a hard topic when you’re heading out the door, right on the heels of a heavy emotional event, or when you’re tired and hungry. Pick a time and place that communicate safety, calm and take your time.
Take a breath:
Sounds simple, but this tactic calms your nervous system down: 4 counts inhale, 4 counts exhale. Repeat 5 times.
Choose your words:
Don’t blame the other person. Take responsibility for how you contributed to the misunderstanding, how you perpetuated behavior you don’t like, or your lack of prior communication about what you want. Then be clear about what you do want.
Be brave:
It might suck. They might cry. You might cry. They might yell or storm out. Remind yourself that doing things how you’ve done them isn’t working for your anymore and have courage.
Understand you cannot make someone feel something (whether positive or negative):
No one can get into your brain and pull the feeling levers. We make meaning and the meaning makes emotions. Manage your own while understanding you literally cannot manage someone else’s.
Circle back":
You may have to take a break from the conversation. Just make sure you circle back to tie up any loose ends.
You are worth what you want. You are worth being honest. You are worth living in alignment.
Additional reading:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High by Joseph Grenny+
I Hear You by Michael Sorensen
We can’t block the flow.
We try to stop the stress, pain, grief, discomfort, fear, anxiety from reaching others
so we don’t say what needs to be said
don’t call out what needs to be called out
don’t allow for discovery through painful situations
We tolerate what we don’t have to
and absorb the pain
all the while making ourselves sick and sad and tired
We can’t block the flow.
It rushes past us
around us
through us
We do others a disservice when we stand in the river,
arms out
trying to keep the rush of water from reaching them
We exhaust ourselves
with unnecessary effort
trying to block discomfort
to their detriment
and ours
We need to release the flow
allow them to grow
allow ourselves the discomfort
of watching them navigate
grief
loss
pain
anger
fear
confusion
We can offer to stand alongside
but do not stunt their growth
with your interruption to the flow
Allow. Allow. Allow.
Allow for others, allow for yourself.